I AM WORTHY – ACCEPTANCE. IT IS WHAT IT IS.

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ACCEPTANCE.  IT IS WHAT IT IS.

Recently my new “8 sessions only” Counselor E. gave me a homework assignment to help me build my self-esteem and sense of self. She asked me to answer the question:

“Who am I?”

Here’s what I came up with:

“Who Am I?  I am me…..a little girl who lived with a miserable Monster in a box with the lid closed tight.  The box was meant to keep me nice and safe from the outside scary world.  It was also a way to contain the love that I received from others so that I could feel alive.

Three and a half years ago I did four months of therapy with Counselor R., and he helped me escape the box.

My black and white, all or nothing, and distorted thinking were challenged.  I began moving myself up on the priority list and started to see, ACCEPT, and love the real me.  I learned new ways of thinking which battled against the Monster of fear, insecurity, guilt, shame, inferiority, unworthiness, blame, resentment, anger, and confusion.  I finally started to see that I was worthy to be alive – and to be happy.

Who am I?  I am me – a little girl who now lives outside of the box and away from the Monster.  Some days I go back into the box because it’s familiar and comfortable, but the lid is open and the Monster usually hides in the shadowy corners where I don’t see Him too much.   I no longer rely on other people’s love to feel alive.

I am an adventurer – an explorer – who seeks a deep connection with life and love through alone or shared experiences.

I feel self-empowered when I ride my motorcycle, paddle my kayak, swim in the lake, exercise at the gym, or drive around for hours and hours in my little Honda Fit singing to the music that is blasting from my speakers.  I am a writer.  I am a photographer of animals and all things nature that help articulate and pull out what I’m thinking or feeling inside.  I like dancing.  I love babies.  I like the rocking motion of a rocking chair.  I like food and have begun to step out of my comfort zone to try new things.  I like concerts, shows, and movies.  I absolutely love the beach and am very thankful for my new apartment which realizes my dream of living by the water and in a tiny and affordable space free of excess and mess.  I am living my dream of helping people who require assistance.  I am self-employed as a Personal Support Worker and I am so unbelievably grateful for this honour and privilege.  I have an intense love for my family and friends.  I am so very proud of my two children who have already accomplished so many wonderful things in their young lives.  My husband and I did a fantastic job of raising them.

I love to feel good – exhilarated.  If something makes me feel good – I want to do it over and over and over and over and over.

I no longer define who I am as “wife”, or “mother” as these are existences reliant on other people.  I am learning to rely on myself for my own existence.

I am strong, courageous, eager, and determined to create for myself – a life worth living – as my authentic self.  – February 22, 2017”

I was going to title this blog post “WHAT’S WRONG WITH ME?” because when I read my homework assignment to Counselor E. I felt pangs of guilt and shame for not wanting to define myself any longer as “wife” or “mother”.  I love my husband and children more than I could ever express, but I want and need to be “JUST ME”.  I have to keep myself from spiraling into the pit of self-judgment, loathing, and disgust for wanting and needing this.

STOP! STOP! STOP!

STOP the judgment.

STOP! STOP! STOP!

STOP and DO NOT get back into that box where the Monster is lurking.

TAKE A STEP BACK – BREATH!  DO NOT over attach…..let all the thoughts and feelings just pass on by.

OBSERVE what’s going on inside of me.  Who I want to be does not line up with who I think I should be.   It’s going to take some time to work through this to get to a place of balance and peace.  At the age of sixteen I became “David’s girlfriend”.  Five years later I became “David’s wife”.  Three years later we had our first child and I became a “mother”.  I spent over thirty years “hiding” in these identities and roles.  In order to be “JUST ME” I have to define myself as such.  I am still a wife.  I am still a mother.  But I have to be “JUST ME” first.  I have to be of my own existence.

PROCEED MINDFULLY…TO ACCEPTANCE…..of who I am and of what I think, feel, and do.  I may not be “normal”, “right”, or what I or someone else thinks I “should be”, but I have to mindfully and purposefully ACCEPT that I AM WHO I AM and IT IS WHAT IT IS.

I am learning, growing, and moving forward.  I am recovering and very much a work in progress.

I am worthy ❤

I am JUST ME.

 

 

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